Day Nine: Out of Control

I knew that when we came this would be hard.  I think sometimes we tell ourselves that and then think that will make it easier because we're "preparing" ourselves.  Knowing it'll be hard and really knowing the reality are two very different things.  I thought of how taxing it would be on Laila's body, how hard it would to not go home for this long, how difficult it would be for Emma & Jackson to carrying on without a mom there, how much Jack was going to have to do on his own.  Some days I wondered if things would run better without a mom and wife who was stressed out all the time being there.  I thought once I got here and was able to focus solely on Laila that I wouldn't be as stressed.  Sure I am actually taking advantage and took a nap the past few days just because I could.  I've been able to watch a little TV which there is no time for at home.  I've been able to visit with a few friends and family who have been gracious enough to drive all the way here to see me.  But my problems still remain, I'm just as stressed, just as sad.  The problem is me.  Now before you all start writing your encouraging comments (which by the way have been a total gift from God to me these past two weeks!) I want you to know that I'm working on it.  I feel better today, I know that has to do with so many prayers that are being lifted up on behalf of Laila and I.  I also know it's because of the amazing bible study I picked up the other day and have been able to dive into.  We want control.  I want control and with Laila I have none.  When I raised my other two children they understood discipline, consequences, faith.  From birth I dictated when they slept, ate, played, pretty much everything.  While I have some of that control with Laila, I do not have a way to get through to her.  I don't have her figured out.  She has so much going on and I try to handle all of it but ultimately she is going to decide if she will ever walk, if she will ever eat, if she will ever be independent and on her own.  So here I am, out of control.  When you think of that it first seems helpless and frustrating but I'm coming to a different frame of mind.

I remember when Jack and I got married and how it was a while before we figured out the balance of who was the decision maker.  I knew that he was supposed to be the head of our house but I wanted control and honestly he was ok with giving it to me but we were out of balance.  It wasn't until I had really dove into God's word and had some amazing mentors help me to see the freedom of being out of control.  I used to go ahead with decisions about our lives and then sit and worry if things would turn out and if they didn't then that would be on me.  I'm so thankful now to have a marriage where we discuss everything together and then I let him make the final decision.  Most women look at that as degrading but I look at as freeing.  If he's wrong then I can point a finger at him!  Ha!  Just kidding :)  But seriously, God put him in charge for a reason.  So now I look at this situation with Laila and I need to get out of control.  I will continue to help her provide for her and give her every opportunity that God's leads us to but ultimately God and Laila are in control of Laila.  Worry, anger, sorrow and frustration get me no where and really don't help Laila at all.  We battle, both give up then we're two steps further back than where we started.

I was talking with one of the moms in the house this morning at breakfast.  Her baby was born six weeks ago, has gained one pound and now weighs 2lb 6oz.  You read that right, her baby was 1lb 6oz at birth.  As we were talking we discussed struggling with trying to find the joys in today while really really wanting the best for our children in the future.  It's so sad that we don't celebrate the milestones without two seconds later moving on to another thing that needs to be accomplished.  Why can't we just sit and rejoice in what the Lord is doing today?!?!  I think her story really stuck me to because today her baby is the exact weight Laila was when she was born; 2lb 6oz.  I hear her talk about how her little girl just got to have a real bath (sponge bath) for the first time and how now she can wear a few pieces of clothing.  Have you praised God today that you child can wear clothing?  I made me think about how far Laila has come in her short three years and how many things were put in her path to stop her.  I beg to not be something that gets in her path.  I don't want to be a closed door, I want to be open.  I want to be the one cheering her on, not the one who's disappointed.  Here's a big thing that struck me in my study today:  "Our anxiety always stems from a desire to control and indicates that we have ceased to trust the Lord."  I can't control Laila, I can't control who decides we're not worth the fight, I can't control the path God chooses for us but I can control my lack of control.  I'm gonna try that for awhile.

So today Laila seems to have had an OK day.  I went in with her this morning and got her all set up at her table.  She wasn't wanting to hold onto the bar for support and when she finally did she just laid her head on the table.  I figure these are my two weeks to let them work it out with her so I helped a little but then let her be.  I just amazes me that this time last week she was doing so well but hopefully she'll come back around to that.  She did go on the potty again today!  Her teacher even said that when she did she called for her like she wanted to let her know so she could get off the potty.  That would be great if she can just figure out that going gets her off of it faster.  I was working on it with her back at the house yesterday and and she such a fit and threw herself forward and split her lip open.  Crazy girl.  She also looked a little better in her steps today.  She is definitely left handed and left legged.  Her left leg is much more cooperative than her right.  You can see her shaking and trying to make that right leg bend and step but it is much more difficult.  Today it looked a little more loose when she was stepping.  She did better eating today and finished a jar of baby food and drank some of her pediasure.  Without being in the classroom I don't have much more to share than just this small report that the teacher gives me everyday when I pick her up.

Thanks for reading a caring.  It's sort of my therapy for myself to write in the afternoons like this :)